Toilet
by Life Ravenwing
Summary: This is a Twilight parody, just to warn you all. If you have a sense of humor though, I welcome you to read it. This chronicles the story of Echo and Narcissus, I mean Bella and Edward...right.
1. Chapter 1

Toilet

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters…thank god.

A/N: So, for y'all who were actually willing to read this, probably in the hopes of writing a good flame, thank you for at least being the teensiest bit more open-minded than the average Twilight fan. I'm just a simple writer who has actually read good books, and one of the few teenage girls in the world who are not obsessed with this book and its male protagonist (yes, we do exist (in caves, living with beavers)). So please review! Thanks.

Chapter One

God, what a martyr I am. Having selflessly _exiled_ myself to the dreary town of Forks, Washington just so my mother can live with Paul, I deserve a medal. I sat in the car with my mother, driving to the airport. It was hot.

"Bella, you don't have to do this," my mother said to me, Bella. By the way, I'm Bella. I'm average looking, yet somehow every boy automatically falls in love with me.

"It's fine, Mom," I lied. I've always been a bad liar, but in preparation for my visit to the horrific town of Forks, I had been practicing this lie. We arrived at the airport. I opened the trunk, in which my suitcase was wedged. I tugged on it as hard as I could, and it came flying out of the car. Due to my extreme clumsiness, I fell over.

When I got off the plane in Port Angeles, Charlie was waiting for me. He's the Police Chief and he drives a police car.

"It's great to see you, Bells," he emphatically exclaimed. "I got you a crappy old car."

"That's too bad," I gushed. We arrived at the house. I moaned inwardly; everything was so green and beautiful. I much preferred the arid, brown climate of Arizona. I saw my new truck. It was red. I loved it.

I unpacked in my room and thought about my utterly frightening day tomorrow. I would go to a small school where the teachers could actually pay attention to me and be forced to, gasp, make new friends. I would be a freak.

I have ivory skin, and I am slender, though I am not an athlete because I am clumsy. I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up and went downstairs. Grabbing my bowl of cornflakes, I took one bite. I swallowed. I took another bite. I swallowed. I took a third bite. I swallowed. I wept quietly. Cornflakes were the only thing that reminded me of home here.

I arrived at school, complaining to myself of how it was a group of beautiful houses instead of the jail-like school I had originally attended. How terrible.

As I parked, I noticed all the cars were old like mine, except a shiny Volvo. When I walked into the classroom, I handed my transfer slip to Mr. Mason, my new teacher. He gawked when he saw my name. Apparently being the daughter of a police chief was like being a celebrity.

I glanced at the reading list. I'd read it all, because I am so smart. Though I am average looking, a boy immediately came over and offered to help me. How odd.

I stumbled around, clumsily finding my way to each class. In this town, everyone was so vapid, until I got to the cafeteria. There was a group of five people in the room, sitting by themselves and talking. One was big. Another was weird. Another was icy. Another was peppy. The final one was perfect, with beautiful, bronze-colored hair, and an aura of amazing-ness just wafting throughout the room.

The peppy one rose and floated gracefully to throw out her lunch tray. With similar grace she dumped the cafeteria food into the trashcan. I turned to one of the vapid girls next to me and asked who they were.

"That's Edward and Emmett Cullen, and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. The graceful one was Alice Cullen. They live with the hot fatherly figure Dr. Cullen and his wife. They are adopted and perfect. Edward is the perfect gorgeous bronze-colored hair one. He doesn't date. He turned me down because I'm too vapid."

I had class with Edward, who had amazing, coal-black eyes. He sat next to me, leaning away and averting his face like I smelled bad. I didn't; I smelled like strawberries. The moment the bell rang, Edward leapt out of his seat gracefully and fluidly loped to the door.

A cute, baby-faced boy came over to me. "Hi, I'm Mike. I'm in your gym class. I'll show you the way there."

I turned the corner and fell over. Immediately, a swarm of boys came to help me up. How odd. I came to gym class where I tripped over everybody and was clumsy. Remembering that I had to go to the office, I entered. Edward Cullen was there. He argued with the receptionist in a low, alluring, attractive voice. I had never heard anything so amazing before. He was trying to switch out of my class. He turned around and glared at me, before hastily turning back to the receptionist with a grace like an antelope.

"Fine, I see that's impossible," he exclaimed in a voice like velvet. Quickly, he exited the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Toilet

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or any of the characters, and definitely not the movie rights…thank you so much.

A/N: Wow, it is amazing how quickly a story can get buried in the Twilight fic pages. Even my PotC fics didn't get pushed to the 6th page as quickly. But whatever. Thank you to my reviewer LadyHayley. So, here it goes again…chapter two.

Chapter Two

The next day, I woke up. I came stumbling down the stairs, tripping forwards and flying into the breakfast table. Fortunately, or unfortunately, Charlie had prepared my breakfast of cornflakes for me already. My face ended up straight in the bowl. I took a bite. I swallowed. I took another bite. I swallowed. I took a third bite. I swallowed.

I wandered into class, where Mike the semi-Golden Retriever showed me around to my next classes, while other boys glared at him. How odd. At lunch, I sat with a large group of vapid people, whose worthless thoughts did not concern me. I only could think of one person; Edward. His perfect scowl as he bent far away from me. It was horrible that he hated me. _Why God,_ I asked. _Why did you send me an angel only to have him hate me? _

Even though he hated me, I had to be around him. That was why it was horrible that he was not here today. I sat at the desk, sniffing the side that Edward's perfect scent had graced yesterday. I sighed.

I cooked for Charlie, since I was so wonderful. Charlie entered, hanging up his gun belt. "Bella? What's for dinner?" he asked.

"Steak and potatoes," I answered. No matter how fantastic it smelled, Edward smelled better.

"Do you have any friends?" Charlie asked through bites.

"Well, there's a boy who's nice," I replied.

"Oh, that must be Mike Newton," Charlie ecstatically explained. "Since of course there's only one nice boy in town."

"Do you know the Cullen family?"

"Oh, yeah," Charlie answered. "You mean the one with the perfect son Edward. Dr. Cullen is an attractive fatherly type and such a philanthropist. He's such an amazing surgeon that he could work in any hospital in the world and get tons more money."

The rest of the week, I was in agony. Edward. Wasn't. There. Every breath without him nearby was like poison. I felt as if I were being poison gassed. I was clumsy in gym, tripping into many people. The boys didn't seem to mind, especially Mike. Even when I threw a discus into his head and knocked out three teeth, he gave me a smile.

One day, as I stumbled to class, Mike turned to me. "It's snowing," he exclaimed.

"I hate snow," I dramatically proclaimed.

"Oh…then I hate snow too!" Mike shouted.

Once I got into the cafeteria, I realized that Edward was there. I gasped, happy yet scared. They were covered in snow, and looked like angels, except for Edward. He was a god. With wet messy hair, he looked even more attractive.

I arrived in biology. "Hello," said a musical voice. I didn't understand how a simple word from him could make me swoon. Edward was sitting towards me, with a dazzling smile on his flawless slips.

"I'm Edward Cullen. You must be Bella Swan."

My jaw dropped and I went flipping off my chair. Mr. Banner arrived in class. I stumbled back onto my chair. He explained that we would be working as partners. I smiled inwardly. A chance to be close enough to touch him. I had wondered what an angel would feel like.

I tried to show off in the lab, but I was so clumsy that I dropped everything. As I pulled my hands away, Edward grabbed them. "I wouldn't want you to get hurt," he murmured.

We finished the lab first, so I took a moment to look at him. His beautiful eyes were a perfectly different color today: a color darker than butterscotch, but golden. I began doodling on my notebook. _Mrs. Bella Cullen. Mrs. Bella Cullen. Mrs. Bella Cullen._

"You don't like the snow," Edward pointed out, breaking the silence.

I grasped the table to avoid falling off. He was close to me and I sniffed his amazing breath. It was like breathing in a rose. Suddenly, after that comment, I felt compelled to tell him my whole history. He listened, laughing beautifully at the right moments and giving fantastic advice. When he smiled, he flashed beautiful, perfect, ultrawhite teeth.

The bell rang. Edward gracefully fled the room as I stared after him in amazement. Mike appeared next to me and picked up my books. In gym, he tried to cover my position and I ended up whacking him in the head with my serve despite his efforts.

As I clumsily left the parking lot, I saw Edward Cullen laughing. It was beautiful.

A/N 2: OK, I almost threw up writing this chapter. Sorry that it's slow, but the real chapter is too. Please review, flames welcome.


	3. Chapter 3

Toilet

A/N: Thank all you guys who reviewed this time. It made me feel very happy. Ok, this note is going to be kind of long as it's sort of an explanation for this story. As you all know by now (or you should), this is a parody of the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer. "Toilet" will not be the only parody of the saga I will be writing. In order, they will be titled "Toilet", "Full Moon", "Esnips", and "Breaking Wind". Chapters will be slowing down from now on, mainly due to the fact that I have school, practice, etc. Thank you for your time. Any questions/requests, just put them in a review and I'll either e-mail you or answer them in an AN.

Chapter 3 (AKA, the chapter I've really been waiting to write(muhahahahahaha))

I woke up and got out of bed. As I changed, I was thinking about Edward. He finally talked to me! The very thought of his illustrious voice had me completely distracted and, combining with my clumsiness, I put both legs down one pants leg and managed to hop my way to the stairs without noticing until I came flying down the stairs, landing with an "Ooph" at Charlie's feet.

"Are you all right, Bells?" he gasped.

I pulled myself up. Thanks to the thought of Edward, I could feel no pain. "Just fantastic, Charlie!" I chirruped. "Hey, what's all that white stuff doing outside?"

"It snowed pretty hard," Charlie commented. "The ground has gotten icy."

I groaned inwardly. At least if I fell, Edward could help me up. I stepped outside the door, immediately slipping on a snowflake and face-sliding down the driveway on the black ice. I grabbed hold of my truck and used it to lift myself up gingerly. I knew Edward was never this clumsy.

I got into the car, flooring the pedal as soon as I could (even though the truck could only go 55 miles an hour, but that was okay with me). I had to get to school early, because I knew I could see Edward there. His eyes, like deep caramel, and his beautiful teeth, like shining marble. How could I ever hope to compare to that with my average looks? By the way, I look average.

I got out of my truck at school, standing at the back corner to examine the tires. I realized Charlie had put snow chains on them. I began to cry, not exactly understanding why. Suddenly, I heard a screech.

Even though this all happened in a split second, I was able to absorb all the details perfectly as if I had been watching a Sports Center replay slo-mo. Beautiful, perfect Edward Cullen was standing four cars down from me, his caramel eyes horrified. I felt my face; was there a zit? Able to tear my eyes away from Edward's godliness for a split second, I saw a blue van skidding wildly across the ice of the parking lot, _gasp_, right towards me.

Just as the car was about to hit me, something else hit me hard from the wrong direction. My head cracked against the pavement, but I didn't care. Even from his touch I had felt an electric shock. It was Edward. Two perfect hands shot out in front of me, lifting up and throwing the van like a toy. He was so strong. I could hear Edward's beautiful, melodious voice in my ear.

"Bella?" he gasped. "Are you all right?"

"Oh, Edward," I moaned. "You're here, so I'm fine."

He looked at me skeptically. "Uh, Bella," he pointed out, velvety voice concerned. "You hit your head pretty hard."

Until he pointed that out, I had been mesmerized by his rosy breath. I suddenly became aware that my head felt like it had been run over.

"How did you get over here so fast?" I gushed.

"Um…I was right next to you," he quickly said, eyes flicking from side to side. "These aren't the droids you're looking for." He waved two fingers in front of me.

"These aren't the droids I'm looking for," I repeated. I sat up, looking into his beautiful golden eyes. I was lost in my own world for a moment.

"Don't move!"

We were approached by a group of people, tears streaming down their faces…I had no clue why they were crying.

A group of EMTs and adults arrived, lifting me up. As I lay in the ambulance, I looked at his family. There they were. Rosalie was icy. Alice was peppy. Jasper was weird. Emmett was big. Images flashed through my head. Standing there alone, suddenly with Edward next to me. A dent in the truck that fit the contour of his perfect shoulders. Edward's beautiful eyes as they stared concernedly into mine.

"Edward!" I screamed. He came over. I grabbed his hand. "You must promise to explain everything to me later. How you weren't hurt…everything. Also, your family doesn't seem to give a damn about whether you're alright or not."

"I'm fine," he said in his hypnotizing voice. "I'll explain everything." We arrived in the emergency room. I was carried in on a stretcher, feeling ridiculous next to the walking and godlike Edward. I was put in a bed, and another stretcher was brought in.

I saw one of the shallow boys from my Government class brought in. "Bella, I'm so sorry!" he shouted.

"I'm fine, Shallow Boy 7," I assured him. "Edward saved me." I stared at Edward as his beautifully musical voice floated into the room.

"Is she all right?" he asked.

"I'm fine," I snapped, suddenly feeling anger at him even though he saved me. God, I was so angry! "Why aren't you strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?"

"It's all about who you know," he said, smirking. "My dad works here." I could tell, as a blond, beautiful doctor walked around the corner. Even though he was more handsome than any actor I'd ever seen, he looked like Quasimodo next to Edward.

"Hello, Bella," he said in an appealing voice. "You can go home now, you're very lucky."

"Lucky that Edward was next to me," I snapped, once again filled with inexplicable anger. I stood up and pushed Edward out of the room with me.

"What do you want?" he snarled. I was shocked how even extreme anger could be beautiful and appealing with him.

"You promised me an explanation."

"Bella, you hit your head, you have no idea what you're talking about." I was lost for a moment in his beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, perfect, perfect eyes.

"You left beautiful dents in the cars and there's not a scratch on you. You picked up the van."

"You think I picked a van up?" he asked. He was amazing at everything, even delivering lies.

"Yes, but I won't tell anybody."

"I'm not going to tell you anything. You hit your head," he growled. We glared at each other. I couldn't say anything for a few minutes; I was mesmerized by his glorious face. It was like staring down an angel. A/N: God, I feel sick

"Why did you bother saving me?" I finally managed to choke out.

"Because I'm a vampire and I love you….wait, that's a little too early," he said quickly. Waving his fingers in front of my eyes, he shook his head. I suddenly forgot everything he had just said. He just stalked off.

I went to bed, and I began to dream of Edward.

A/N 2: Somebody grab me a barf bag. It's like all she can do is talk about Edward…but w/e. Please review, hope you enjoyed it.


	4. Chapter 4

Toilet

A/N: Sorry it took so long for me to update. I've been kind of busy, but here it is…chapter 4. Reason for updating: Stephanie Meyer released Chapter 1 of Midnight Sun, a last effort to milk out as much money as possible out of the Twilight Franchise. So please read and review. Thanks!

A/N 1.5: And I forgot to mention my beta reader Alhaeron last chapter. So, mad props to her…whatever they are.

Chapter 4

Yes! I was finally dreaming about Edward. He was walking away from me, as if I smelled bad. His perfect back quickly disappeared into the darkness, no matter how much I yelled at him or ran after him. For the rest of my nights, he was always in my dreams. I came to a realization; I must stalk him.

After the accident, I found shallow and vapid people flocking to me in droves. Shallow Boy 7 wanted me to sit with him and tried to apologize every five seconds. Though this was annoying, I was very happy to have someone to grab onto every time I fell. I wished it were Edward, though.

No one went near Edward, begging for the story. I was surprised. I would do anything to be near him all the time, to smell him, touch him, look at him. In Biology class, we were back to the same treatment. He wouldn't look at me, but I was happy; this gave me many chances to stare at him. One day I picked up a needle, holding it in my left hand. His back was turned, and very quietly, my right hand darted up to grab a piece of his hair. At the same time, I poked him with the needle, as an excuse for what the pain was. He didn't even turn. I put the hair into a plastic baggy and slept with it under my pillow every night.

Later, I decided to try to get his attention. "Hello Edward," I pleasantly greeted. He nodded lightly before focusing on the board even harder.

Mike the golden retriever was incredibly happy, though. He followed me even more closely, asking questions constantly and coming to hang with me before class. I was worried that his shallowness and vapidity would wash away Edward's amazingness.

I was very excited when the snow washed away. I hate snow. Mike was unhappy, but he mentioned a beach trip, which perked me up slightly. Maybe Edward would be invited and I could see him in swim trunks.

I had somehow become like a celebrity. The first Tuesday of March (I remembered it well, as Edward was wearing a tight shirt that day), Jessica, the vapid girl who had told me about Edward, called me to ask my permission to ask Mike to the girls' choice spring dance.

"Oh, Bella," she gushed. "It matters to me so much. Your popularity allows people to believe that if I'm friends with you, I'm popular too. So I'd never want to make you mad."

I sighed dramatically. "I don't care about Mike," I replied. "Anyway, I'm not going to the dance. I'm going to Seattle." I can't dance. One time, I went to a dance and ended up sending my date to the hospital when I tripped over a ladybug and sent him flying into the snacks table.

The next day, I could tell Mike had turned Jessica down. She kept a slight distance from me, but luckily enough people followed me around that I didn't feel ignored. I sat down in Biology. Edward smelled differently today, but he was still perfect. His eyes were that beautifully deep black that he sometimes had, like a black hole of appealingness…ness.

Mike appeared next to me. "So," he began. "Jessica asked me to the dance."

"Leave me alone, you stalker," I hypocritically proclaimed. "Go ask her out, I'll be in Seattle that day."

His tail stopped wagging and he dejectedly walked back to his seat. Edward was looking at me. I felt heat rising in my cheeks, and "Gone with the Wind" floated through my head. "Bella," he murmured.

"Yes, Edward?" I gasped.

"…You have something in your teeth."

"Oh." I put my head on the table and covered it with a book. I could feel his perfect gaze locked onto my head. After class, he came up next to me.

"Bella."

"Edward." Oh no, here it came, the random anger again. Next thing you know, I would start crying.

"I'm being very rude."

"Yes, you are," I snapped.

"But it's better this way," he intoned. "I'm dangerous. I wouldn't want you to get hurt." He gracefully stalked away. I stood still for a moment. He had talked to me!

Gym was awful. We had moved onto basketball, and luckily my team never passed me the ball. I fell down more than usual today, because I was so preoccupied with Edward. In gym, I knew he would never fall. His grace even more highlighted my clumsiness…wait, it was the other way around.

A few more shallow boys asked me out that day. When I got home, I began to make dinner. Jessica called to tell me that Mike had followed my commands and asked her out. I played matchmaker for a few of her friends. God, I am a martyr.

As I went to sleep, my head filled with thoughts of Edward.

When I got to school the next day, I was filled with that inexplicable anger again. I felt much temptation to bash in Edward Cullen's Volvo, so I parked as far away as possible. As I got out of the car, I dropped my keys. As if in slow motion, I saw a white hand flash out and grab the key before it even hit the ground. Edward handed my key to me.

"Thanks." All anger gone.

"Bella, I wanted to ask you something about the day of the spring dance—"

"Of course that can be the day of our wedding!" I yipped. "I mean, yeah, I'll ask you to the dance." I decided to play it cool.

"Uh…not that. Do you want a ride to Seattle? Your truck's kind of crappy."

"Yes!"

"Fine." I took one last glance at his beautiful face as he turned away. Wow, I would be in a car with him for a few hours. I must go work on my hair and outfit immediately!

A/N 2: Ok, hope you guys like that. Even if you didn't, that's okay. I love to take criticism…ok, I don't love it, but I'm fine with it. Please review. Reviews make chapters come up faster…I think. 


	5. Chapter 5

Toilet

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…thank god.

A/N: Hey y'all! I'm back from my (insert number here)-month long sabbatical! Yeah, I know I take a lot of these, but it just raises the suspense. I figure with the Twilight movie being out, I should put up a new chapter. While I'm here, time for some self-advertisement, yay! I have a YouTube channel where I've put up some Twilight parodies. If you guys want to check that out, the channel is called Sparrabeth Productions. Tell your friends! So here we go, chapter 5.

Chapter 5

Still starry-eyed from sniffing Edward, I arrived at English class in a daze. I was miffed; at first I thought that nobody was paying attention to me. After about 45 minutes of hair flicking and grinning at everybody, the bell rang. I was very happy to discover that the golden retriever and stalker nerd boy (also known as Eric) were following me as I left the classroom.

As I arrived at the lunchroom, I was almost floored by the general vapidity in the area. A ray of sunshine seemed to glow over Edward's Adonis-like face. No, calling him Adonis was an insult to his perfection. He had the face of a god. Stumbling into a seat next to vapid girls 1-3, I twirled my lemonade straw as they gossiped about the dance. I didn't care; I'd be with Eddy-kins at that point in time.

"Edward Cullen is staring at you," Vapid Girl 2 said. I whirled around, almost flying off my cafeteria seat. I gripped it, imagining Edward's disdain if I made a fool of myself. He beckoned to me with a come-hither look.

"Later," I chirruped, grabbing my books and soaking in the jealous looks of every girl in the room. I sat down next to Edward, disbelieving that he wanted me near him. I'm so average looking. Seriously. Why does everybody like me? He's a god, so perfect that I can't describe him beyond his hair and eye color, so you can come up with your own perfect picture of him. Just imagine perfect: there he is.

"Well," I croaked.

"Your friends look jealous of me," he musically said. His breath smelled like daffodils.

"Yeah, I know," I said.

"I'm not going to let you go back," he remarked, brushing back a gorgeous lock of auburn hair from his golden eyes. "I'm going to eat you, cause I'm a vampire…wait, no. Not that, I—uh—look over there!"

I couldn't drag my eyes away from him. "You know…"

"What?" he whispered, his voice like velvet as he pulled his face close to mine. His hand closed over mine, ice cold and strong. I almost melted on the spot.

"I think you're Superman," I murmured, dragging my eyes away from him as I blushed.

His perfect laugh rang out. Dang it, here came the anger again!

"What's so funny?" I snapped, yanking my hand away from his. He was so beautifully frustrating.

"You," he laughed. "I'm so different from Superman that it's not even funny. He's not pretty enough."

"Oh," I exclaimed. "I didn't mean looks wise. I mean, you're so perfect…"

"I know."

"…and wonderful…"

"Keep going."

"…and I'm captivated by you."

"Well, I'm bad," he said, a beautiful sneer forming on his face.

"You aren't ba-"

"You're wrong!" he said, slamming his hand on the table before flinging it across the cafeteria and sweeping out in a trench coat that randomly appeared on his back, leaving me stunned on the ground. Vapid girls 1-7 flocked around me, asking if I was okay. I accepted a hand up, grabbing my books and fumbling my way off to science class.

Eddy-bun wasn't there. "We're doing blood testing," my science teacher said as I got onto my stool after knocking it over 50 times. He cast me a nasty look. "And it's going to be bloody. Bella, don't faint."

I fainted.

Next thing I knew, I was sitting up and a bunch of boys were fighting over who could take me to the nurse. Retriever-boy punched chess-nerd in the face and stuck an iron grip around my waist, dragging me to the nurse. Suddenly, a beautiful voice rang out.

"Bella?"

I fainted again.

Once again, it came to fisticuffs…well, almost. Mike swung his fist at Edward, who side-stepped him before picking me up and carrying me to the nurse.

As the nurse left to get me an ice pack, I pretended to faint again, trying to get a better sniff of Edward. I failed, landing face first on the floor. When I came back up, I realized I was missing gym. Edward came near to me for a moment, looking in my eyes before pulling himself back and screaming, "I got too close! My parents are dead! I'm adopted, and leave me alone!"

He ran out of the door as I stared at his perfect…back. His head popped back in. "Bt-dubs, I'm still driving you to the city. Toodles!"

I was shocked.

A/N 2: Yeah, weird I know. But it was a long chapter and I had to figure out how to shorten it…bla bla bla! Whatever. Hope you enjoyed it, and check out YouTube for more parodies. Thanks!


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